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This column was originally published at Gamers eXtreme's site and was given to CaliGirl.net by the author who originally wrote it. A great read and remebrance for all of us who enjoyed the early days of Quake and Professional Gamer League.- CaliGirl

Written by Joel 'Wemmick' Downs

Brothers and sisters, as five or six of you may know, I have been vacationing in Europe for the past two weeks, and that is why you were first treated to Spear’s diatribe on console gaming systems and then heartlessly subjected to Nemisis and Lady K’s spewage about gaming music.  I, GX’s prodigal son, am now back to claim my column.

Typically, I try to concentrate on gaming issues and the gaming community here at WTS (Wemmick’s Temporary Insanity column), but because I am freshly back from Europe I have decided to share some of my observations.  Hopefully, with the help of this guide, you, the American gamer in Europe, can be more educated and prepared for Europe’s little idiosyncrasies.

Firstly, there are some things you should know about continental Europe in general:

1. People don’t speak English.  I’m not really sure why this is, but each country seems to have felt the need to invent their own language, which makes dealing with their people difficult at times.  Some Europeans still retain broken English so that they can order Thigh-masters, Chia Pets and Civil War Chess Sets from American phone-order companies.
    

2. People don’t accept American dollars.  Again, I’m not sure why, but European countries seem to feel the need to print their own currencies.  I guess it is a way to generate national pride or something.  The upcoming “Euro” may unify the European currencies, but they still won’t take the American dollar, probably just out of stubbornness.

Now on to specific guides for the countries I visited, in order:

Germany

• The Autobahn is cool.
• The trains actually DO run on time!
• Mercedes and BMW’s are cheaper than in the US.
• Their music bites, unless it’s from the US.  I was briefly subjected to Swabian rap, and was then ready to find the next plane to the States.
• CD’s cost $30.  Can you say BMG?
• These people DRINK.  The little old lady sitting next to me on the train reeked of hard liquor.  At 11:00 am in the morning.
• In one Munich Cybercafe, you can get 1 hour of free Internet use with the purchase of a beer!  If you web browse too long, you risk falling off your chair, but hey – it’s Germany.

Czech Republic

• Don’t take a cab.  If you must take a cab, offer the driver one tenth of his price, and bargain from there.

• Learn Czech before you go there.  Most people there speak it.

• I don’t know what they feed their women, but this is the only European country I saw where the women were wearing mini-skirts in 40-degree weather.

• The women are all 6 feet tall, too.

• “Check, please” can be taken in more than one way.

Austria

• This is Germany with a funny accent.

• The Viennese, especially men, are extremely well-dressed.  Save your ripped jeans to wear in Italy.

• A Schwartzenegger accent can be surprisingly cute on women.

Italy

• There are a lot of good Italian restaurants here.
• The buses are, literally, sardine cans.  The buses come every few minutes (but on no particular schedule), and yet every bus is so packed that you can’t get on.  I think most of Italy’s population actually lives on buses and doesn’t get off.
• The remaining portion of Italy’s population drives their cars in circles all day, cutting off other cars and aiming for pedestrians.
• Don’t go to Rome unless you have a hotel reservation ahead of time.
• Jaywalking is legal, but you have good odds of becoming street pizza.
• Be prepared to pay $8 for a Coke at a restaurant.  Seriously.
• There are more Ferraris in Stuttgart, Germany than in Rome.  If I owned a Ferrari, I wouldn’t drive it there either.
• They don’t like it when you swim in the canals of Venice.
• They don’t like it when you make motorboat sounds as you ride a gondola.

France

• People are nicer to Americans than is rumored.

• They haven’t worn berets there since the whole Monica Lewinsky thing.

• Be prepared to pay $6 for a Coke at a restaurant.  Cheap, if you’ve just been to Italy...

• The waiter may make fun of you if you order lasagna.

• Don’t refer to: French fries, French maids, French doors, French kissing, French braids, or especially French bread.  These, in France, are fried potatoes, maids, doors, kissing, braids, and “baguettes,” respectively.

• Look for Cybercafes with AMERICAN-style keyboards.  The French keyboards will have you questioning your sanity.  The Cybercafes charge by the minute, so some try to give you “French” keyboards which take 10 times as long to use.  It took me an hour to write three emails.

Europe, on the whole, is a very pleasant place, and I plan to see more of it when I get a chance.  I hope to leave the country again near the end of the next PGL season so that I can thoroughly ignore the cheating accusations and let other people deal with it again. 

[Back to WTS]

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